I’m not usually accused of being a Satanist, but when I am, I’m in a church

So yesterday, I was told that I’m worshiping Satan. This was shocking to me for a number of reasons. For one, I was not previously aware of my love for the devil. And for another, I was at church.

The lady in the pew behind me stopped me after mass. She was earnestly clutching the pamphlet of prayers and hymns, and when she asked for my attention, I braced myself for a lecture of behaving during mass or something like that (it should be noted that my sister Ro and I giggled through most of the closing hymn. This was mainly my fault because one time (at this same church, while singing the same song) I stretched out the word “who” so that I sounded like an owl, and now we can’t sing that line without laughing).

But no, it wasn’t that. It wasn’t a comment on our laughing or our singing. No, she was concerned because my phone case had “Hello Kitty” on it, and Hello Kitty is (apparently) a “Satanic symbol” (I spent this morning at work looking this up…it’s all a bunch of urban legends and stuff made up by people who were clearly never children).

So that you can understand what she was talking about, this is my phone case:


(credit goes to Amazon for the picture). It’s not Hello Kitty. It’s a skull wearing a bow (the design is called “Punk Rock Cutie”, and if you’ve ever met/seen me, you know that’s pretty much an accurate description of my personal style. Or so I like to think, anyway).

I, of course, felt the need to explain that no, in fact it was not Hello Kitty (because this, to me, was the most offensive part of our – largely one-sided – conversation). To which the woman replied, “No, but it’s a version of it. And things like Hello Kitty and skulls are all Satanic symbols. You can look it up on Google.” (this is not verbatim, my memory isn’t that good, but this was essentially what she said). She then expressed her concern with my apparent devil worshiping, ending with a soft smile and “You might want to think about getting another phone case”.

If I was a ruder person, my response might have been “You might want to keep your nose out of other people’s business”, or perhaps just a good old fashioned “F*ck you”. Instead, I shrugged and said “Then you probably shouldn’t see my tattoo,” and gracefully (or as gracefully as I can manage), swept out the pew and down the aisle.

For the record, this is my tattoo:


(If it looks red, it’s because this picture was taken about 5 minutes after it was done. It’s been almost a year now and it looks spectacular). I didn’t tell her or show her what it was, so I imagine she thinks I have a giant 666 or a portrait of the devil or “LUCIFER WAS FRAMED” tattooed across my body (sidenote: why isn’t there a band called Lucifer Was Framed? I’m thinking it would be death metal…)

I hope next time I’m in that church I’m wearing a shirt that shows Jack off, and maybe I’ll borrow Ro’s Bring Me the Horizon necklace (you know, the one that says ‘F*ck your faith’?) and show it to this lady. And maybe she’ll pray for my soul because I’m obviously a Satanist (as I stand in church, with my family, following mass). I wouldn’t complain about that – we can all use a little extra help, am I right?

2 thoughts on “I’m not usually accused of being a Satanist, but when I am, I’m in a church

  1. nbozzo says:

    I call shenanigans! In church of all places…But it did lead to a wonderfully written story!! (And if you so desire, you can also borrow my cape, and possibly lurk in the corners of the church all phantom of the opera- like).

    • A cape! I love it! From now on, I’m going to paint my face like a sad vampire before I leave for church. It also gave me a great excuse for the rest of the evening: every time my mom asked me to do something, I replied with “I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m too busy worshiping the devil.” Also, thank you for your compliment, you flatterer you :).

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